A little back story...

So... i did it. I made the first step... again. I went to Weight Watchers this morning (which was majorly hard because i stayed up way too late last night and I was exhausted.... plus, I had no one to watch Lily so I had to get HER dressed too, and we were running late, so it was a hassle.) Anyway, I went. I weighed in. And I even tried to stay for the meeting... WITH Lil, which is a feat in itself! We made it through about 15 minutes which is better than none.

My weigh in was majorly disappointing. I gained 4.4 pounds since i last weighed in 2 weeks ago. Ugh. And I weighed more today than I have since Oct 2009, and before that February 2009! Talk about yo-yoing, but anyway, this is NO good for me. I am SO glad I made the decision that it stops today. I'm ready.

Since this is a new blog, I'm going to give some of my weight-gain history... unfortunately I am too embarrassed to post my actual weight, photos, or measurements, but I will record them, and hopefully when I'm at a size I'm proud of, I'll be able to share where i started. So my start weight (when I first went to Weight Watchers)... I'm gonna call SW (for start weight). And hopefully one day I have the courage to share that. If you really need to know it privately, I will share privately, but I'm not going to put it out there for everyone to see.

I am 5'6'' and small framed. I have the unfortunate apple shape that looks so unflattering on women... I have slim(ish) hips, thin legs, tiny ankles, tiny wrists, and a big fat belly! I'm round and un-proud. Weight Watchers says the appropriate weight range for my height is 124-155.

In high school, I was never thin, but I wasn't fat either. I was pretty average. Looking back on it, I look pretty thin to me now, but at the time I never felt thin. My belly was never flat or tight, I always felt self conscious there. I think I was around 125 pounds all through high school. I can't remember exactly but in college I hovered between 127-132 pounds usually. Again, never THIN, but I was pretty confident with my size, and since I went to NYU and walked/biked most everywhere, I was extremely active. One day I'll dig out photos from year to year, but not today.

Then in 2002 I had a life changing event, which unfortunately, while isn't the CAUSE for my current fatness, definitely started the process and is a partial reason. I was a passenger in an awful car accident that left me hospitalized for months, then in a wheelchair for many more months. I fractured my spine, my femur (right leg) and ankle/foot was crushed (left side). During this time a lot of dignity was lost and a lot of weight gained. I remember being weighed in the hospital then at some point and weighing around 150 and being SHOCKED that it was a lot. I almost didn't believe them!

I met my wife in 2003 though I have no idea what weight I was then, I know I was wearing around a size 12 jeans. Weight gain just kept "happening"... and I remember joining Weight Watchers (online) for the very first time in 2004. I remember being around 165 or so and thinking that was massive. I couldn't really stick with it and I never lost more than 10-12 pounds ever in my life. Another round of Weight Watchers (forever to be called WW in this blog) in late August 2005, and I even joined a gym. I started tracking my weight then, and I started at 189.5 pounds. I was never under 182 ever again. I joined WW once again in February 2006 at 192 pounds, I didn't stick with it and never even lost 10 pounds.

Mid-2007 I weighed the most I ever weighed in my whole life... and around this time we decided to start our family (what great timing, right? How my weight afftected my pregnancy is a whole other blog post)... and in very early December 2007 I got pregnant. Pregnancy, luckily, was easy on my body in a lot of ways, and while i gained some weight, I actually lost body fat. On the day my daughter was born (August 13, 2008) I gained 18 pounds and by her due date I was 6 pounds less than before i began! The first 5 months I attempted breastfeeding I didn't try to diet, but at the end of January 2009 I went back to Weight Watchers - meetings this time! I was give or take at my pre-pregnancy (highest ever) weight... and my brother was getting married in less than 4 months and I'd have to attend, and wear a dress! Now that was motivation, since the rest of my family is thin and athletic! My weight in January 2009 is what I'll use as my SW because i've been on the same path since then... and by the wedding I was SW-19.8 pounds! In 9 weeks almost 20 pounds down! I went to WW meetings every week... I stuck to the plan... I tracked everything i ate... I got out and WALKED... and it worked! After the wedding, I didn't stay on plan much but by May 2009 I got down to SW-23, the lowest I had weighed since probably 2006! And between May 2009-December 2009 I slowly gained almost all of it back. I went to WW maybe once a month or every 6-7 weeks and weighed in, but stopped going to meetings. Mid-December 2009 I decided to start over... and I was SW-6, and I couldn't stay on the wagon for more than 5 pounds. So March 15, 2010 I said THIS is it now... and I started over once more at SW-9, but at WW they changed my starting weight (so my current SW is 6 pounds less than the SW of Jan 2009 which just makes it confusing). I couldn't stick with it... again... lost 2.2 pounds, 1.2 pounds. Then I went in today... and had gained 4.4! So here I am at new-SW+1.

It just seems I'm a self-sabateur. Everytime I make good progress, I go an undo it, and then make it even worse! For me it's all or nothing. I can't "watch what I eat" and i can't have just a little self-control. For me, I have to dive in headfirst and drown myself in it, or I just go the other way entirely. And the first few days are the hardest! Cravings! Crankiness! Just the worst. Making it to that first weekly weigh-in, anxiety of seeing which way the scale went... so difficult. But once the numbers start going down in skips and jumps, the motivation seems to find its way to me.

I'm not a big believer in surgical weight loss or diet drugs or fad diets or crash diets. I'm hoping to do this naturally, slowly, and keep it off. There may be bumps along the way, but I am packed and ready for this journey... again. And I know it'll be a lifelong one, but hopefully I keep moving in the SAME general direction this time until I reach my goal.

The accountability of blogging helps motivate me, and hopefully I can help motivate someone else and meet some inspirational friends along the way.

So... it's Monday... I'm ready.... GO!